CHARACTERS:
THE PACIFIST, (usually referred to as PACIFIST) a super villain who is fed up with being the worst villain ever, starting to come unhinged; speaks fast, a little crazed.
CAPTAIN ASTOUNDING, (usually referred to as CAPTAIN ), a superhero of the highest caliber, speaks like the classic hero type, but slowly losing his cool as he comprehends the situation at hand
HUGGLEPOT, the butler to the CAPTAIN, speaks like a butler; very plain and flat.
SCENE: The lights come up revealing a large ornate room, complete with a fireplace. CAPTAIN ASTOUNDING wakes up, tied to a chair in the living room in his mansion, his costume torn in various places. THE PACIFIST is pacing back and forth in the room, hands behind his back. He pulls occasionally at his skintight yellow spandex outfit, then stops and stares for a moment as the CAPTAIN fully comes to his senses.
CAPTAIN ASTOUNDING
(Struggling, looking down at his bonds)
What foul villainy is this?!
(Looks at THE PACIFIST)
Oh good, it's only you. I was worried that I was in the clutches of Dr. Stab again! Quickly Pacifist, untie me so that I might remove you from my house and return to my nightly super heroic janitorial duties, using my metaphorical mop of justice to clean the grime of evil from the floor of--
THE PACIFIST
(cutting the CAPTAIN off quickly, and in a menacing whisper)
Shut the fuck up, or I'll pull out your kidney with a ladle.
CAPTAIN ASTOUNDING
Pacifist, I...
(beat)
What did you say?
THE PACIFIST
(begins to pace, switching between staring intently at the CAPTAIN and the floor)
I told you to shut the fuck up. People don't say that to you often, do they? Who would? What idiot would walk up to the great Captain Astounding, look him in the eye, and tell him to shut the fuck up.
(gestures at himself)
Not me, right? Not The Pacifist. Never Mr., 'stand on the sidelines and do nothing'. If you told somebody that I had told you to shut your mouth, said it to your face, they would laugh. It would make the news! It would be a fucking headline! The biggest joke of the year, the century! It would be a fucking joke that kids would tell each other about on the playground, old people would shit themselves laughing about it over their damn meds and raisin bran!
(walks to the CAPTAIN and puts his hands on the arms on the chair)
And that's the best fucking part, Captain. No one would expect The Pacifist to go off the deep end. Not a single person would ever have the thought that I could just go fucking bananas, and take complete control of everything.
CAPTAIN ASTOUNDING
I always knew that in your mediocre ribcage beat the black heart of a true villain. Release me! I will show what happens when you cross CAPTAIN--
THE PACIFIST
(backhands the CAPTAIN, cutting him off, then returns to pacing)
Shut the fuck up means shut the fuck up. Christ's holy pants, you just don't listen, do you? Where was I? No one would expect.. Dumb kids.. Old bastards.. Control? Yeah, complete control. No one would expect me to take control. Hell, a few weeks ago, I wouldn't have expected it either. But you know what? I finally realized how sick I was of it all. Getting kicked around by trying to take villainy to a nice middle ground. A place that could work for the villains and the victims. Maybe even the heroes. Only now, I see how fucking idiotic that was. There can't be a middle ground. There can't be a peace between us, or victims, or heroes. There needs to be a clear cut system. With one who rises above it all, and puts order down upon the masses. A way to put those who have power at the top, unbound by the masked heroes who would put us down.
(turns to the CAPTAIN, pulling a gun on him)
And the first step to imposing that order is to kill you.
CAPTAIN ASTOUNDING
You twisted fiend! Subjugating people to your evil monarchy is not the way! Only justice and liberty can..
(Shifts uneasily in his chair, staring at the gun)
Can you.. Can you not point that gun at me? I have this thing about guns. It's kind of freaking me out.
THE PACIFIST
Were you not listening to what I just said? I'm going to kill you? First step to imposing my new order? Any of that ringing a bell, cape-for-brains?
CAPTAIN ASTOUNDING
(laughs)
Cape-for-brains. That's a good one. I've never heard--
(THE PACIFIST raises the gun, pointing it at the CAPTAIN'S head)
CAPTAIN ASTOUNDING (CONTINUED)
Seriously dude, that's not cool. I know you're not going to kill me, you're The Pacifist. So you're having a mid-villain crisis, everyone goes through them. Remember when The Death Guru decided to go vegan and only bomb butcher shops? This'll pass, and you'll go right back to doing what you do best.
THE PACIFIST
And what do I do best?
CAPTAIN ASTOUNDING
(shrugs)
Get in the way of actual villains, mostly.
(THE PACIFIST shoots him in the kneecap)
CAPTAIN ASTOUNDING (CONTINUED)
HOLY FUCK MY FUCKING KNEE!
THE PACIFIST
(brandishing the gun)
Is this startin' to sink in yet?
CAPTAIN ASTOUNDING
YOU JUST SHOT MY FUCKING KNEE!
THE PACIFIST
Thanks Captain Obvious. Maybe you'll take me a little more serious now?
CAPTAIN ASTOUNDING
(speaking through gritted teeth)
Okay. So you've actually gone fucking insane, and want to take over the world. Good for you. You know that I'm going to break out of these bonds and beat the piss out of you right?
(Clears throat and returns to speaking heroically)
You should know that no mere rope can hope to hold the awesome power of Captain Astounding!
THE PACIFIST
(laughs)
You think I'd just snap and not think this whole plan through? That isn't just any rope. That's pure Unbreakium. No way in hell you're wigglin' out of that one, sister.
CAPTAIN ASTOUNDING
Unbreakium? Insane antagonist! How did you manage to put your greasy paws on something so rare?!
THE PACIFIST
You know, when no one thinks you're a threat, it's absolutely amazing where they'll just let you in. I actually went into the Mayor's office the other day. Like, in his office. Shook his hand. Secretary just brought me in and gave me the tour. Nice lady.
(pause)
On second thought, I think I'll wait a bit before killing you. I kind of like seeing you bleed out on your own carpet.
(in a low whisper)
I bet that was expensive.
CAPTAIN ASTOUNDING
(coughs nervously)
My carpet? You uh, must be mistaken! I believe we are in the home of the billionaire Stanley Upperbottom, the lawyer who--
THE PACIFIST
(cutting the CAPTAIN off with a wave of his gun)
Oh save it Stan, everyone knows it's you. Christ Almighty. You think it's a clever disguise? You're cover is being a fucking billionaire, dude. A billionaire who disappears for eighteen hours every day, and happens to share the same facial structure as the most famous superhero for miles around. God, every halfwit in the country must know who you are.
CAPTAIN ASTOUNDING
(scoffs in disbelief)
Oh yeah? If that's true, why hasn't it made the front page of every newspaper around the world?
THE PACIFIST
(shrugs)
Eh, what can I say? It's not really exciting to show people something they already know.
(examines his gun)
Downside is, once I kill you, the reveal is gonna suck. No one's even be surprised at all. Just a shitload of people goin, "I knew it! You see Margret? I told you they were the same person!"
CAPTAIN ASTOUNDING
You really are crazy.
THE PACIFIST
(raises his hands to the sky)
Halle-fuckin-lujah! He finally gets it!
(tosses the gun back and forth)
Your imminent death sinking in too?
CAPTAIN ASTOUNDING
Know this evil-doer: Even at my weakest, I could run circles around you and still have the energy to run a triathlon!
THE PACIFIST
(nodding)
Uh huh. But in that scenario, are you tied up with Unbreakium rope with a gaping hole in your knee, a gun pointed at your face?
CAPTAIN ASTOUNDING
No. But even as we speak, I'm devising a plan so cunning that you won't even be able to comprehend it.
THE PACIFIST
I thought villains were the ones who blatantly stated their plans. But seriously Captain, I'm going to shoot you and take over the world. There really isn't any way for you to get out of this. I planned ahead pretty thoroughly.
CAPTAIN ASTOUNDING
(smugly)
Oh? Did you perhaps take into account my loyal butler, a twelfth degree black belt, who is probably sneaking up on you to attack you and free me?!
THE PACIFIST
(irritably)
Okay, A, yes I did. And B, on the off chance that I hadn't why would you ever point that out to me? God damn you're stupid. How the hell does anyone lose to you?
(THE PACIFIST goes offstage, and drags back the butler, HUGGLEPOTT, who is also bound in a chair, and places him in front of the CAPTAIN)
HUGGLEPOTT
Hello, sir. Terribly sorry to have been caught and not come to your rescue. I feel absolutely dreadful about the entire situation.
CAPTAIN ASTOUNDING
Ah, my old loyal friend, I don't blame you. You've done nothing to cause this.
HUGGLEPOTT
(shifts in his chair)
Actually, sir, I feel I am entirely responsible for our current predicament.
THE PACIFIST
Yup.
CAPTAIN ASTOUNDING
Whatever could you mean? How could this possibly be your fault Hugglepott?
HUGGLEPOTT
(pause)
Well, I know that Mr. Delmar--
THE PACIFIST
(cutting off HUGGLEPOTT, irritated)
Don't use my real name.
HUGGLEPOTT
(continues as if he weren't cut off)
--isn't a real threat. I mean, you said yourself sir, that if he ever showed up here you'd have him in for tea and cookies. So..
CAPTAIN ASTOUNDING
You didn't.
THE PACIFIST
He did.
HUGGLEPOTT
When Mr. Delmar--
THE PACIFIST
(cutting off HUGGLEPOTT, irritated)
Don't use my real name.
HUGGLEPOTT
(irritated)
Oh, do shut up. When Mr. Delmar showed up this morning, asking for a tour of the mansion..
CAPTAIN ASTOUNDING
(hangs his head, groaning)
Oh God...
HUGGLEPOTT
(shrugs)
Naturally, I didn't think of him as a threat and I showed him in.
THE PACIFIST
(jumps up and down)
Yeah! And I kicked your ass you dumb servant bitch!
HUGGLEPOTT
(angry)
You hit me with a gun in the back of the head. In a real fight, I'd have twisted your limbs off, you silly excuse for a villain.
(beat)
I'm sorry for the trouble my idiocy has caused you, sir.
CAPTAIN ASTOUNDING
(in a comforting tone)
It's alright my friend, I'll get us out of this.
THE PACIFIST
(Shoots the butler in the head and kicks his chair over)
Oooooh! I'm sorry, but that's all the time we have for Mr. Hugglepott today! Be sure to join us next time where we have our special guest Captain Astounding on, "SHOOT THE IDIOT!"
CAPTAIN ASTOUNDING
(angry, struggling with his bonds)
You fucking freak! I can't believe you just--You fuck! I'll kill you, you bastard!
THE PACIFIST
(mocking)
I'll kill you, I'll kill you! Oh shut up, that wasn't even your butler. That was a cyborg I made just to fuck with you. Your butlers' tied up downstairs.
(gestures at the blood coming from HUGGLEPOTT)
That's not even real blood. It's wicked easy to make that shit. Took me twenty minutes.
CAPTAIN ASTOUNDING
(fights with his bonds)
Who does that? You really are fucked up. I'm going to beat you so bad...
THE PACIFIST
(nods)
Right. After you get out of the bonds that you can't break out of? Do you have short term memory loss or something?
CAPTAIN ASTOUNDING
(slumps his shoulders, giving up on struggling with his bonds)
Well then, since you're so certain that I'm done for, why don't you tell me your master plan to rule the world, Pacifist?
THE PACIFIST
(groans)
Could you be any more cliché?
(pauses)
I guess I could tell you. First things first, I kill you. Obviously. I must have said it about twenty times by now. The next step is to reveal my killing you to the world, gaining me instant fear and respect. People will whisper my name in horror at my deed!
CAPTAIN ASTOUNDING
(laughs)
You want to have people be terrified of saying, "The Pacifist?" I don't think that's going to happen.
THE PACIFIST
(irritably)
Well, I, that is, look shut up. I'm.. I'll change my name to something more terrifying then, asshole.
CAPTAIN ASTOUNDING
So you thought out this whole plan for world domination, which I have yet to actually hear, and you didn't think to give yourself a better name?
(Laughs)
(kicks the CAPTAIN in his wounded knee, to which the CAPTAIN cries out in pain)
THE PACIFIST
Shut up! I do have a terrifying new name!
CAPTAIN ASTOUNDING
(Through gritted teeth)
Oh yeah? What is it? Strike fear in my heart.
THE PACIFIST
(pauses)
Electric Fist.
CAPTAIN ASTOUNDING
(begins laughing very loud)
Electric Fist? Haha! Why don't you just call yourself, "The Sodomizer," or, "Lord Butt Toucher?!"
THE PACIFIST
(angrilly)
Shut the fuck up, I killed your butler.
CAPTAIN ASTOUNDING
(shocked and mad)
WHAT? You said that was a cyborg!
THE PACIFIST
(sneers)
You think I have time to make a cyborg? I have a world to take over. I can't be sitting here with you all day, playing with a fucking butler version of the Terminator.
(aims the gun at the CAPTAIN)
Speaking of which, I have some important things to go do, so I'm going to have to cut this short.
CAPTAIN ASTOUNDING
(nervous)
Wait! You uh, still haven't told me your entire world domination plan?
THE PACIFIST
(Thinks for a moment)
Three words: Oprah and religion.
CAPTAIN ASTOUNDING
(gasps)
You don't mean?...
THE PACIFIST
(laughs)
That's right.
(beat)
Pope-rah.
(Lights go down, and there is a gunshot)
End Scene.
(Written in 2012)