FADE IN:
INT. DESERT HOUSE -- NIGHT
A well lit and cozy home. There are family pictures of a man and a woman on the walls. Dinner sits on the table and the man and woman talk over it, letting it get cold.
PERCIVAL FRANSICO sits at his kitchen table (early 20's); he is casually dressed in shorts and a stained t-shirt.
ESMERELDA FRANSICO sits across from him (mid 20's); She wears gypsy style clothing, a long dress with multicolored fabrics streaming off of it.
A cactus sits at the edge of the table, almost as though it has its own place at dinner. It is small, and has a bright pink flower atop it.
ESMERELDA
I just don't see why you spend so much time on them.
PERCIVAL
Because they're my passion! And they need my care so that they'll grow big and strong.
ESMERELDA
They're cactuses, not babies.
PERCIVAL
Cacti. And so what? They still need to be cared for, just like any other plant.
ESMERELDA
NO THEY DON'T! They're desert plants! They thrive on living in extreme conditions! They don't require you pampering them every second of the day!
PERCIVAL
When people come looking for a cactus to buy, do they want to see a half dead mass shooting from the ground? No. They want to see a cactus that has been loved and cared for. A cactus that will thrive under the care of someone, not just sit in the sun and hoard water!
ESMERELDA
Oh? That's what you said about Navi, and look how that turned out.
They both turn and stare at the cactus Navi. Esmerelda looks angry and Percival looks uncomfortable.
NAVI
The fuck is that supposed to mean?
PERCIVAL
Navi! Language!
ESMERELDA
You know damn well what I mean you little green bitch!
PERCIVAL
Esmerelda! Language!
ESMERELDA & NAVI
Shove it.
NAVI
I turned out just fine you wench.
ESMERELDA
All you ever talk about is trying to get into my husband's pants.
NAVI
Can you blame me? Have you seen how good his ass looks?
PERCIVAL
I feel this conversation has taken an inappropriate turn.
ESMERELDA
The elephant in the room just talked about trying to enter you, and you feel uncomfortable? Well maybe we should get rid of it!
NAVI
Did this hippie slut just call me an elephant?
ESMERELDA
It's an expression you little prick.
NAVI
Oh, is that a joke you walking disco ball? You wanna go a few rounds with this?
Navi's whole "body" begins shaking. Esmerelda leans over and flicks Navi's flower, but recoils with a yelp. There are tiny spines sticking out of her hand.
ESMERELDA
BITCH! You little fuck!
Percival winces at the curses coming from his wife, but looks only at his cold food. Navi laughs.
NAVI
Serves you right Clopin! Don't touch the flower!
Esmerelda casts a hard confused look at Navi, pulling spines from her hand.
ESMERELDA
Who the hell is Clopin?
PERCIVAL
Oh! He was the leader of the gypsies in the Hunchback of Notre Dame!
Esmerelda casts her menacing gaze on Percival, who shrinks down in his chair.
PERCIVAL
Just saying...
Esmerelda stands, walks to the kitchen sink, and begins rummaging through the cabinet underneath muttering to herself.
NAVI
(whispering)
Perc, why are we pretending in front of her? Can't we just confess our love and move on?
PERCIVAL
Now is not the time Navi.
NAVI
But we can-- WAAAAHHHHHHH!
Esmerelda stands next to the sink with a bottle of Round-Up in her hand. She sprays Navi a few times, smiling at the screams. Percival is horrified.
PERCIVAL
Esmerelda! Stop! That's inhumane!
ESMERELDA
Inhumane? What the hell are you talking about? It's a plant, Percival! A plant! And I will not be insulted by a plant in my own house!
NAVI
Real tough lady using poison on a --WAAAAAAAHHHH!
Esmerelda sprays Navi again. Percival stands.
PERCIVAL
Stop! That's enough!
ESMERELDA
Why do you defend it? You never defend me when it talks about how I act! But spray the damn weed with a bit of Round-Up and WHOA NELLY! Everyone stop what you're doing!
PERCIVAL
At least I try to like her! You never liked her!
ESMERELDA
BECAUSE SHE CALLS ME A BITCH AND TRIES TO FUCK YOU.
Navi laughs weakly as Percival looks upon her, worried. Esmerelda shakes her head.
ESMERELDA
I have no idea why you ever decided to keep this abomination.
NAVI
Because secretly, he wants me more than he could ever want you.
ESMERELDA
God, just shut up.
NAVI
Tell her Perc. Tell her how you want me to explore your backdoor with all my little spines.
ESMERELDA
Jesus Christ.
PERCIVAL
That is not true! And I kept her because it didn't seem right letting a self-aware cactus sleep outside.
Esmerelda drops the Round-Up and rummages through a drawer in the kitchen as Percival sits back down at the table.
NAVI
Just face it lady, he wants me.
Esmerelda pulls a butchers knife out of the drawer and in one swift motion, chops Navi clean in half. Navi screams for a split second, then goes silent as half of her hots the floor. Percival lets out a yell.
PERCIVAL
Oh my god! Esmerelda! What have you done!?
ESMERELDA
I trimmed a weed.
PERCIVAL
But you just killed--
ESMERELDA
A plant? Plants can't be killed. I don't know what you're worried about.
Percival looks at the two pieces of Navi that are on the floor, clearly distraught. Suddenly the plant still in the pot moves.
NAVI
Can't get rid of me that easy bitch! I'll just keep growing back!
Esmerelda begins cursing rapidly, stand up, picks up the pot, much to the protest of Navi, amd hurls it out the window. Percival simply stares at her. She turns back to him, angry with her hands on her hips.
ESMERELDA
Got anything to say about that?
Percival turns back to his food, his face blank.
PERCIVAL
Nope.
ESMERELDA
Good.
EXT. GARDEN -- NIGHT
Percival walks around the dark garden searching the ground with a flashlight. He finds Navi, already re-grown in her pot. He leans down.
PERCIVAL
Thank god you're alright.
NAVI
It'll take a lot more than a knife to put me down.
PERCIVAL
I was a bit more worried about the Round-Up.
NAVI
Sshh. It's okay. I'm fine. Now isn't the time for words.
Percival glances back at the house, worried.
PERCIVAL
Let's make this quick.
Percival drops his pants and picks up Navi. As he bends over, placing the cactus right behind his behind, we hear Navi let out a happy sigh. As Percival begins to move Navi closer, we...
FADE OUT
THE END
(Written in 2012)