FADE IN:
INT. FULBURTON LIVING ROOM -- DAY
We enter on a married couple sitting in their living room. HAROLD FULBURTON sits in an armchair reading the personal ads, and MARY, his wife, sits on the couch, watching Homeland.
We hear a lawnmower start up, which makes Harold sigh and fold his paper in half.
HAROLD
There he goes again.
Mary rolls her eyes and crosses her legs.
MARY
(sighs)
He just mowed his lawn yesterday.
HAROLD
Oh, I know it. And the day before that. And every day this week, as a matter of fact.
MARY
Ridiculous.
HAROLD
I don't know how we're going to deal with them, Mary, I really don't.
MARY
Oh, did I tell you that the other day I saw his wife killing a chicken in their backyard?
Harold throws his paper on the table and stands, walking toward the window.
HAROLD
Sickens me to the core.
Harold gazes out the window.
HAROLD (CON'T)
Don't know what we expected when Chris told us we had demons moving in next door.
We follow Harold's gaze out the window to the lawn next door. A demon dressed in a short sleeve shirt, sweater vest, and cargo shorts is mowing his lawn. He is bright red and has large yellow horns protruding from his temples.
He glances up at the window Harold is looking from and smiles, showing us his pointed teeth. He waves vigorously at Harold.
Harold grimaces and slumps back in his chair, then runs a hand over his face.
HAROLD
What will it be next? First it's the endless noise from the lawnmower, but now they're killing animals? How long until they start setting fires to houses and condemning our souls? This used to be such a nice development, and I don't want to see it changed into some post-apocalyptic wasteland because a couple of demons just happened to move in next door.
MARY
(whispering)
Bastards, every one of them.
Harold waves a hand in her direction, dismissing the comment.
MARY (CON'T)
What can we do? They've done nothing illegal, it's not like we can report them for anything. God knows I'd love to see them deported, much as it pains me to say it, but they've done nothing wrong.
HAROLD
Well, all we can really do then is just wait and pray that they mess up.
Harold points a finger at Mary.
HAROLD (CON'T)
And that we aren't caught in the cross fire.
Mary nods, and turns her gaze back to the television. Harold sits stiff in his chair, listening to the lawnmower and shaking his head slowly.
EXT. FULBURTON DRIVEWAY -- DAY
Harold pulls into his driveway in his dark blue sedan. Coat draped over his arm, he walks to get his mail. We see his neighbor walk out of his house, spot Harold and begin walking toward him.
Harold looks at his mail and mutters to himself.
HAROLD
Bill... bill...bill... political flyer... All exotic Pilipino dance instruction video? Interesting...
Harold turns to find himself face to face with his neighbor.
HAROLD
(gasps)
Smir!
SMIR
Harold! How are you, bud?
Smir holds out a red hand with black, pointed nails. Harold forces a smile and shakes the hand gingerly.
HAROLD
Oh, I'm just great. Just got home from work.
SMIR
Cool! I'm lucky enough to work out of home. Been especially helpful since the big move, you know?
HAROLD
Yeah, I bet. What is it you do exactly?
SMIR
I filter and file the souls of the unworthy.
HAROLD
Ah...
SMIR
Yeah, sometimes it can be a pain. Most people's sins are clear cut, so throwing them into the appropriate circle is easy. But sometimes you just get these batches, because of course they all have to come in groups, right? Well, you get these batches that are so saturated with sins that you have to wade through the majority of their life decisions just to figure out how to damn them for all eternity. Those are the days that I wish I could get out and drive to work, you know?
Smir laughs and Harold coughs out a laugh with him. We notice Mary watching them from the window.
SMIR (CON'T)
So anyway Harry, mind if I call you Harry?
HAROLD
No one's called me that since--
SMIR
Middle school, right? Oh, darn it, sorry. I do that sometimes. Side effect of the job. Sometimes you just "know" things about people. You have to do a lot of digging on some poeple and sometimes you see how they interacted with others. Lewis Shandler was the one right? Called you Harry a lot? Died last week. I was filtering him, and imagine my surprise when I came across you big guy!
Harold stares at Smir, his face giving no emotion. Smir smiles to himself and continues.
SMIR (CON'T)
Anyway Harry, the reason I wanted to chit chat was that the Misses and I wanted to invite you over for dinner tonight. We've been here a few weeks now, and we figured it was about time we got together for a little sit down, you know?
Smir smiles sincerely at Harold, who is pale and sweating under the gentle gaze of his neighbor.
HAROLD
I, dinner? Well, um, I suppose, that is, Mary and I, uh, tonight?
SMIR
Yuperoony! Tonight, right around 6?
Harold glances at his house and sees Mary in the window. He looks back at Smir, whose razor sharp teeth and large horns are glinting in the sunlight. He swallows hard.
HAROLD
Uh, sure Smir. We'd.. We'd be delighted to come over for dinner.
SMIR
Wonderful! I'll let the Misses know! So yeah, like I said, around 6, don't worry about bringing anything, we got it all covered. We're making a down home classic! You are in for a treat tonight, Harry!
Smir thumps Harold on the side and turns back to his house. Harold stands still for a few moments, sweat dripping from his sheet white face.
He looks down at his mail, then over at Smir's house and sees his neighbor disappear behind his door.
HAROLD
Well, I'm dead.
INT. FULBURTON BEDROOM -- DAY
Harold sits on the end of his bed, head in his hands. Mary is pacing back and forth rapidly, hands on her hips, and shaking her head.
MARY
I can't believe you did this.
HAROLD
What was I supposed to say, Mary? No?
Mary throws up her hands.
MARY
Yes! For Christ's sake, Harold, they're probably going to sacrifice us to Satan!
Harold looks up at Mary.
HAROLD
I don't know honey. He seemed so nice, in an odd way. Like he generally wanted to be friends.
MARY
Friends probably taste better.
HAROLD
I'm serious. Maybe we've been wrong about them.
Mary casts a threatening look at Harold who puts up his hands defensively.
HAROLD (CON'T)
I'm just saying. Maybe we've been a little..
MARY
A little what, Harold?
HAROLD
...Racist.
MARY
We are not talking about some Mexicans, or a bunch of Pollacks moving in next door, Harold. They are demons! Full blooded demonic entities from Hell! You've seen the news reports about them! What they do!
HAROLD
But he doesn't seem like the reports, Mary! That's what I'm trying to tell you. He seemed.. So nice. Except when he was talking about his work, but I don't think that's his fault! You can't really put a positive spin on sorting souls.
MARY
All I know is that if I die tonight, I'm requesting becoming a ghost to haunt you for the rest of your miserable life.
Mary sits down at her desk, pulls a piece of blank paper out of a drawer and begins writing on it.
HAROLD
What are you doing?
MARY
(angrily)
Writing a will.
Harold shakes his head and goes to the window next to her. Looking across to Smir's house, Harold sees a dull orange glow coming from the windows.
A cow is in the backyard. Harold watches as Smir comes outside sporting a chef hat and apron and ushers the cow inside.
The orange glow brightens until Harold cannot look at it anymore, then he notices Smir walk back outside. His apron is covered in blood. He wipes his brow, takes a deep breath, and goes back inside.
Harold glances at Mary, who is vigorously writing. He walks to his bedside, gets down on his knees, and begins to quietly pray.
EXT. SMIR'S HOUSE -- NIGHT
Harold and Mary walk slowly toward Smir's front door. Mary continuously shoots dark looks at Harold, who stares intently at the door.
They are both dressed up. Not too fancy, but just enough.
The door swings open before they get to it, revealing Smir still in the chef hat that Harold saw him in earlier, but with normal clothes on. No sign of the blood soaked apron.
SMIR
Guys! You made it! And looking fancy too!
HAROLD
Oh, well, you know..
MARY
Can't not dress up a little for a dinner with the neighbors, right?
SMIR
Of course! Come on in, I'll show you around.
SERIES OF SHOTS
A) Smir shows Harold and Mary his beautifully decorated living room. The Fulburtons' seem confused.
B) Smir shows them around his kitchen and dining room, both look amazing and spotless. Harold is beginning to smile and chat politely with Smir, while Mary still looks confused.
C) They venture upstairs and Smir introduces his wife, Debbie. She is similarly red, but has smaller horns and dark brown hair that flows to her shoulders.
D) Debbie and Mary look around the bedrooms while Smir and Harold go out to the shed. One side is covered in torture equipment; chainsaws, chains, hatchets, pitchforks, ext. The other side is covered in craftsmen tools. Harold is visibly impressed.
E) They all return to the dining room, and the men go to the kitchen to grab dinner. Mary and Debbie sit in the dining room conversing lightly.
END SERIES OF SHOTS
INT. SMIR'S DINING ROOM -- NIGHT
DEBBIE
Well, I must say I do love the neighborhood. It's such a contrast to where we last lived. So bright and cheerful.
MARY
And where exactly did you use to live?
DEBBIE
Seattle.
MARY
Ah.
DEBBIE
So what is it you do Mary?
MARY
I'm a secretary for Shloman Corp. The big ugly brown building on 23rd?
DEBBIE
Oh! Yes, I've seen it. Do you like it?
MARY
It's not perfect, but the pay is pretty good. What about you?
DEBBIE
Oh, I'm an interior decorator. Can't tell you how much I love it.
Mary shifts her feet and looks a bit awkward.
MARY
I hope this doesn't sound too rude, Debbie, but I had no idea that you and Smir would be so..
Debbie smiles, revealing her razor teeth.
DEBBIE
Normal?
The two women laugh as Smir and Harold reenter the room carrying plates of food. They set the table, then sit.
Smir goes to say something but begins to cough. As the cough continues, the house shakes, and the room becomes a violent shade of red. Harold and Mary look at each other, scared.
Smir clears his throat and the house returns to normal.
SMIR
Woo, sorry about that.
Harold waves it off, though Mary still looks scared.
SMIR (CON'T)
Well, let me just say I'm so glad you two came over tonight.
HAROLD
Me too! I think we're going to have to do this a lot more often!
SMIR
Absolutely! All right, dig in!
They all begin piling their plates with cuts of steak, potatoes and various grilled vegetables. Harold and Mary comment on the good looking food before digging in.
Split seconds after putting the first bites in their mouths, Harold and Mary slump over onto the table, dead.
SMIR
DAMMIT! Deb, did you curse the cow?
Debbie slaps a hand against her forehead.
DEBBIE
Oooh I knew I forgot something! I did curse the cow! We were supposed to ship it to Georgia for the purging next month.
SMIR
Dammit! I told you that got called off! Why do you think I was killing and preparing it for dinner!
They both look at the lifeless bodies of their neighbors.
SMIR
Harold was such a good guy, too. He was going to let me borrow tools for the shed I wanted to build.
DEBBIE
Mary was sort of a bitch.
SMIR
Well, nothings perfect.
(Sigh)
Want to call in the cleanup crew?
DEBBIE
We aren't going to have to move again are we?
SMIR
No, no. They were both going to die about a month from now in a Nascar accident. I think it'll be okay if they passed a bit early.
DEBBIE
Well, alright. But can we call after dinner? This steak does look really good.
SMIR
I suppose. The bodies do sort of remind me of home.
The two demons eat their meals with the corpses of Mary and Harold still slumped on the table.
Suddenly, Harold sits up, inhaling air rapidly. He coughs hard and a piece of steak flies out of his mouth.
HAROLD
Holy hell! That steak is fantastic!
Harold goes to bite another piece, but Debbie and Smir both yell and stop him. He turns, confused, then notices Mary slumped on the table.
Smir and Debbie explain the mix up with the cursed cow, which Harold seems to take well. He is less than pleased that Mary appears to be dead.
HAROLD
Smir, what are the rules about ghosts?
Smir rubs the back of his neck and exhales heavily.
SMIR
Well, that's a rough question, buddy. Most of the time people come back as ghosts if they die with the strong inclination that they had something to do. Other times it's to help someone they care about. But I'd say the most common is a vow to haunt someone. That's more binding than most people think.
Harold glances at Mary, sweating lightly.
HAROLD
You don't say...
Mary's Ghost begins to materialize, floating inched above her dead body. She has her arms crossed and is staring angrily at Harold.
MARY
Your ass is soo haunted.
FADE OUT
THE END
Written in 2012